COMING OUT AGE:  37

Like so many of the women on here, I guess looking back I had glimpses of 
my sexuality at around 12 or so.  It didn't seem odd then because,, as I got
older I had boyfriends through high school and became a young mom at 18.  

In my early 20s I had a wonderful friend that somehow became more..... 
I had such strong feelings and they were returned.  We lived a couple of years
in this relationship that was never admitted to.  Over time I realized that
I was uncomfortable with it and it was not who I wanted to be.  Slowly over time 
I pulled away and, needless to say, our closeness faded and we both moved on with our lives.

The next stage I met the man that would become my husband and the father 
of my second daughter.  Although we had a strong sexual chemistry, the emotional 
bond was not there..... We separated and after about a handful of years eventually divorced.  
This was soooo hard for me because I didn't want my marriage to be a failure.  Who does?  

In the early separation years I then met another woman who I worked with and found myself
attracted to her as well, we became close friends and again at some point found comfort
in crossing that line.  We spent alot of time together-she knew (knows) me like no one else.  
In many ways she saw the real me.  The kissing-amazing, the sex-OMG, the trust, the companionship.  
At different times I believe we both would have "come out".  The problem is that we weren't 
in that place at the same time. For the second time I lost that relationship for fear of telling anyone.  

It has been about a year or so since that relationship completely ended..... again, we are not friends.  
After all we have been through we couldn't overcome our history together.

Fast forward to about a month ago.  In walks a beautiful woman with amazing blue eyes to my office.  
Immediately, I got butterflies.  I didn't think too much of it until we met again and the same thing 
happened again.  This time I caught her staring at me.  Rumor had it that she was a lesbian.  
I was (am) intrigued by this woman.  I stutter when I talk to her and I am always looking for things 
to talk about, reasons to e-mail her.  It would seem to me that we flirted often.  She would ask when 
she would see me again, she would look deeply into my eyes, and make statements about how I looked.  
Problem is-is she or isn't she?  Second problem is I am not "out".  It seemed to be going along and 
I thought for sure I could just eventually find out and it all came spiraling downward when she found 
out I had been married and had kids.  Did she now assume I was straight?

I am consumed with thoughts of her.  Trying to figure out how I can ask her if she is a lesbian.  
I have done so much thinking about this and I realize this is different than anything I have ever 
felt before.  I feel as though I am willing to deal with this part of me now.  I want to tell her, 
but we work together and what if she doesn't feel the same?  But, what if she does?  I honestly believe 
she is the one.  I've decided that if nothing happens prior to her work being complete at my facility 
than I will tell her....if for no other reason, for me.  I have supressed my feelings for 25 years 
and if it doesn't work out than I will at least have admitted to myself that this is real and it's okay.  
The next chapter is still in the works, but it was nice get it all out there.