COMING OUT AGE:  46

I always knew from the time i was a  teenager that i was attracted to woman, 
but always too scared to do anything about it.  I had an attraction to my 
roomate from college, we were the best of friends, but
I was scared to tell her thinking it could ruin our friendship.  Funny how we 
kind of lost touch after I got Married...So I just went on hideing my feelings, 
as I do till this day...Only one special woman in my life knows who I am and what i'm about.    

First I will say that i'm married to  a wonderful man for 19 years now.  We have three great kids.   
He has been a great father as well as a great husband to me thru the years.  But deep down 
i needed to know what it was like to be with a woman, I needed to fill that void in me that was 
missing for all my life.  Well about 10 years ago I answered an ad in the Aol personals.  The woman 
whose ad i answered was  bi curious.  She to is married with three children, only her husband knows she
has an attraction to woman.  Anyway to make a long story short...We connected from the very first day we met. 
 I knew I loved her..sounds crazy but its true.  We made love once years ago, and it was the most intimate 
experience of my life, I cant even describe how special it was, and how complete she made me feel.  We have 
seen each other since, not very often because  we both know its not right what we are doing.  
We've kissed, but have never been intimate since that one time.  

We bonded so much thru E-mails and occasional talks. We built a  strong friendship in the years that 
i've known her. I know shes so right for me...I have never felt this way about anyone.  I love my husband, 
but I'm so in love with her.  She came along and filled the missing pieces to my puzzle.  From the start we 
fell inlove only secretly. Both our husbands just think that we are friends.  About 5 months  ago she asked 
me if I would leave my husband and start a new life with her, I was so taken back because we never talked 
about leaving. I know she loves me as i do her, but never thought she would have the strength to leave, 
because i just dont have the heart to walk away from a man that had been so good to me and truly loves me. 

I'm so scared of hurting my children as well and breaking up my family.  So I told her no.  Needles to say 
she was heartbroken. And so am I.  I feel like i lost my best friend.  I miss her so much, and cant stand to 
hurt her like i did.   She thinks I dont want to give up material things I have in my life. But thats so not true..
I just cant hurt my family....

I know i'm a lesbian...I've always known, and she came into my life and made me feel whole. I'm so confused, 
all I do is think about her and being with her, and loving her the way i always wanted to love a woman. 
We are still intouch a little, but she wont see me anymore. I cant say i blame her. With my decision I guess 
I have to take the chance of losing her.  Sometimes I hate myself for having such feelings, but we cant help 
who we are...Can we??   I dont know what will happen in the future.  Maybe one day I will have the courage and 
the strength to leave. All I know is If I had my life to live over again I'd live it so much different...
I would do it my way with no more Secrets..I'd spend the rest of my life....With D...My one true love.....
I'm glad I got the chance to come out on here...Thanks for listening