Coming Out Age: 38

Story:

As a child I knew I was different like so many others here. A neighbor girl and I engaged in experimentation and decided we were girlfriends. We knew we could never tell anyone what we did. Also, much of my Barbie doll play centered around lesbian barbies getting ready for dates and laying on top of one another. 

As a teen I pushed all of my feelings deep down inside and overcompensated with boys. I had lots of different boyfriends, none for a long period of time. Whenever they would get to close I would push them away. I had lots of sexual experiences with boys too, but always after the first time I would feel ashamed and drop them. 

I married the first time at 20 when I was in the military; the marriage only lasted three months but my son was was a result of the marriage. I then met a man who wanted to take care of my son and I who I ended up having a daughter with. During this same time while I was in the military I met the first lesbians I have ever known. I was fascinated. I wanted to know more about them, but I had to be very careful due to the situation. It was then that I learned what an upside down triangle symbolized.

Shortly after my discharge from the military and returning to my home state things changed with my daughter's father. He was much different once he was around his family. I left him and returned to my father's house as a young single mom.

A year later the only guy I really ever had a strong connection to throughout my childhood and high school years began dating. We got married in 1997. Things were good between us, I had successfully buried my feelings for women, and was living a "normal" family life with a house, kids, and husband. 

In 2000 I got the internet and started looking at lesbian and bisexual personal ads and websites and reading everything I could about being a lesbian. I read "Married Women who Love Women" and realized that there were other women out there going through the exact same things as me. For many years I tried to think of a way out of my current situation and dreamed of meeting a woman that would love me and that I could love. Sex with my husband was very difficult; the only way I could have sex with him was to pretend I was with a woman and fantasize about anonymous women or women I had crushes on. 

Now, I have come out to myself as a lesbian. I have come out to two people I am a lesbian, and aunt who is openly lesbian and a friend who has many GLBT friends. Both have been very supportive. I know I need to have a talk with my husband, but I am very scared of losing my home and the comfortable life I have right now. I am also beginning to look at women everywhere in a different way. I see potential partners everywhere I go. I am feeling more confident with myself and letting my inner flirt come out.

I know that someday, hopefully sooner than later, I will meet the woman I have been searching for. When that happens I will be in for some big changes in my life.