coming Out Age: 44

I had been married for twenty three years.Brought up a
 Itailain american. Was told that a man would take
 care of me and that this is the right thing to do. I
 always's wanted children more than life it self. I met my
 Ex husband at the age sixteen and was not allowed to
 date any one else. My mother believed that I should
 stay with one man and get married. Being so nieve,I
 listened to her and then I was told to be the way he wanted me to be. He always told me what he wanted, and how I
 should act, dress,and of course he always wanted
 sexual fantasy's with me and another woman. 

Well he made me feel like I was nothing . He would alway's tell me
 he wanted to see me with other woman.He had addictive
 personality, and wanted me to be with a woman with him.
 Well it happen.I asked my best friend that I loved if
 she would try it.We were so young and he told me it
 was just an experiment.I knew I trusted her more than
 anyone. Watch what you ask for. We forgot about Mr.
 Macho.Year's went by! and I never made love to him. 
I hated it so, I would Cry how I was treated . 

I ended giving birth to three Beautiful boy's. I think That's 
the only way I would sleep with him. As the year's went by I wanted out so
 bad of this hell.  I could not find a way out of my
 abusive marriage. He did drugs, gambled, He lied, even
 made us lose our two homes,cars.He had drug dealer's
 looking for him .They even put a gun to my head to find
 him. The boy's got older and I tried to keep being the
 glue of this family.  I had afair's with other woman
 during my marriage. But I could not leave this tie,I
 was afraid I would loose my boy's. My boy's kept
 getting older and talked to me the same way he did. He let
 them do what ever they wanted I could not take much
 more.I had told him we only live togther,We share the
 bills and Our boy's.He would never even would think I
 would ever be able to be on my own.I thought that too.I
 went back to school, and I was told he let me.I could
 not take much more!
  
I was going to have a break down.One of my son's got in trouble 
and the cop's rated my house with me in the bed. I had to
 get out of my bed in a see through. I was sick. My
 house was recked and I was humilated. I knew I had to
 go. How?  I just started a new job that week.I pulled my
 self together the next day. I was in my office and I
 met  an angel.She was blond buthchie and the head of
 maintience. We talked every day for a month. She got me.
 I was being screamed at for the last time. My younger
 son was told by my ex ask mommy if she is a
 lesbian,ask her,ask her he kept repeating.He was just fifteen,he did not have to be asking me these things in front
 of my son. I told my ex I wanted out , I wanted him
  out, he wouldn't go. So He kept saying to me admit  it
 your a dyke, In front of my son. I was crying so hard.
 My son went in his room.I told my ex if he did not
 stop I would call the cop's.So I grabed the phone and he
 grabed it and handed it to  my son to tell the police
 that his momm's is crazy, When my son was in his room
 my Ex Husband kicked me in the head several times. I gotup crying and
 very dizzy. I grab my bag of clothes and my dog It was
 storming that night .The police arived and I left. 

I wanted to go over a bridge. I did not know what to do.
  My angel called and I stayed by her and her ex .I
 was so crazy confused , My life was a total mess. I knew
 I could not stay their. I belived in GOd , My Faith
 Is so strong. I got my own apartment with angel for one
 year. My boy's disowned me and my new girl friend had
 her own issues. alcholic, abusive,My Mom died I got
 the divorce on my own and had to tell angel when she
 tried to strangle me She was the Devil. I paid child
 support for one year and worked two jobs. EX  was on
 social services. I went,  "My heart is aching."

Four year'slater,Life is good now,I have peace, I have my own house I
 have my maiden name back, That was the only thing I
 got when I divorced. I have a beautiful woman I am in
 engaged to.We have been friends  and worked together for
 five year's before we started to date.We are together
 for 11 month's and we are not living togehther but I
 don't want to rush anthing. My boy' s do not talk to
 me still. But when they did it was abuse. My son''s are
 men 20,23,26.I have to live my life .You only get one.
Be who you are,God love me and he loves you.Believe.

Before my Mom died I told her I was gay,She Thanked me for taking care of her and she told me how sorry she
 was for putting me through all that. She told me I was
 beautiful and she wanted me to be happy. That I was
 her gift from God.I kissed her head and sent her to
 Jesus.I am out at work. I  am out and happy.