COMING OUT AGE: 38 I apologize this is long. I have to vent. MY PRESENT--COLD AS ICE As I look out the window, it is snowing feverishly on this January '09 day in my upscale Chicago suburban town. Neighborhood children are constructing a snow fort out on the cul-de-sac. Their mother just walked out and left their dad last week (unsure why) and I, quite frankly, am jealous, wishing I could leave it all to begin my lesbian life that I long for. On the other hand, my maternal instincts kick in and I am unable to make the move. I have a responsibility to finish raising my children. Age 40 will hit in the spring, and I never really thought I would be depressed about it, but I am. In my 20's, I had a whole life ahead of me, and in my 30's I was busy raising my kids, so my sexuality was placed on the back burner. I feel like I'm running out of time to ever have another chance w/ a woman. I've never felt an attraction to my husband, but he is a good man and a good provider. We bicker a lot, probably because I am not in 100% to the relationship. I do resent that he is a bit controlling. We have blow out fights 2 or 3 times a year because he says something is missing because I never touch him or initiate sex. If he only knew what "it" is was that was missing. I am cold as ice to my husband. I feel badly. I am confused. GROWING UP CATHOLIC I hate that I was raised Catholic...it's made me a guilty person my whole life. I've been raised to do the right thing while the rest of the world takes risks and isn't so faithful. You just end up being screwed because you're the nice person. Sorry to offend anyone, but this is my feeling. I don't attend church anymore. UGLY DUCKLING OF THE FAMILY I didn't realize that I was gay until I went to college. I was always attracted to older women but I could never understand why. While growing up, I had obsessions over a lot of teachers and bosses at my jobs in high school. I thought I was attracted to them because my mom didn't give me attention due to her having so many children. There wasn't time for me. I was the middle child. When I met my roomates swim coach in college, it hit me like a ton of bricks. She was an obvious lesbian, and for the first time, I said "I am a lesbian". This is what all my prior attraction to women was all about! Since my 20's, I always hid it due to my large Irish Catholic family. My sisters and brothers were very popular and we are a VERY ATTRACTIVE family. Growing up, my brothers were tall, athletic, built, buff and georgeous. They could have any woman. Not to brag, but this is who we were. My sisters were homecoming queens, had delicious, feminine and petite bodies and always dated promine! nt, perfect guys and men. Me: well, I was the tomboy. I was quirky and taller than my sisters (5'7). I was goofy and loved humor and the basic fun things in life: loved hanging out and drinking with friends. My sisters were perfect and into makeup and clothes. My one sister and brother used to tease me and call me Rosie O'Donnell (this was waaaay before her talk show and before she was known as a lesbian. It was when she was doing comedy shows in the 80's on TV as the host for Star Search). In high school, I dated guys but I was not popular. I never connected with the type of girls my older sisters were. Cheerleaders and feminine girls were too ra-ra for me. I liked fun girlfriends who liked to drink, smoke a little pot, and play pranks!! My relationships with female friends and obsessions with teachers/bosses was what drove me. Boyfriends felt strange. I don't think I was ugly, but I was definitely not georgeous like the rest of my family. I acquired some of the looks like! the rest of my family, but I wasn't refined. I was bigger-bon! ed, clum sy and not athletic or sexy. I think that guys detected my tomboyism and I was a little dorky, I think. I had some good-looking guys as dates, but they never lasted. THE "L" WORD In my 20's I met a woman "L" whom I worked with, who was married to a man, and I fell deeply for her but we never had a kiss or a sexual encounter, but we were close. She was my boss, 10 years my senior, and from the start, she was always touching me when she talked..on my arm or hand. If I was sitting, she would approach me from behind and glide her hands over my shoulders. She moved to the building next door, and we would greet each other with a sensual hug when she would come over to my building. At work, we always wore business suits. At lunch/dinner outings with our bosses and work partners, we'd secretly slip our heels off and play footsie under the table. She would extend her ankle and glide her toes up my legs during our meal. No one even knew. Sometimes after work, we'd go out for cocktails and she would grab my hand and caress it while she drove us to the bar. Once, we attended a musical (company outing). It was dark, and we held hands under our coats. She held on !to my hand tightly and stroked her hands on my thighs at times. She had control over me. She was very powerful....and very feminine and sexy. I dressed very feminine as well, but at home, the real me came out...I love sweats, jeans, sweatshirts and grew up a tom-boy. In public, I cover up my tomboyish tendencies. "L" had several affairs with other men and I was the only one who knew. She was never with another woman. She could not become pregnant due to her husband, so there was a void in her life. One night, after a few too many drinks, "L" and I were in my office and we embraced tightly and couldn't let go. We were kissing each other, all over the face, except for the mouth. I kissed the back of her neck and stroked my hands all over her body. I was breathless for the first time in my life. It felt so right. Then she stopped. She said had to get home to her husband. Ughhhh! About a year later, I married my husband. One night, we met for drinks, and I came out to "L" and told her that I wanted to kiss her that night in my office. She said she felt the same and told me she was impressed by my strength to tell her. That night in my office, she said she wanted to kiss me. She said that I was very romantic the way I handled her. She said she wanted to experience being with me in the future. She also said that she was once having an affair with a client (who was also married) and she admitted that at one point, she almost approached me because she wanted to have a threesome. But she never had the nerve. It seems like once I came out to her, all the mystery diffused. It's like the chase was over. There was, of course, another deterrant. I became pregnant. I soon quit my job and nothing ever happened between us. We'd meet for lunch or for drinks at night, but nothing ever happened. I haven't seen her in years, but we've always exchanged Christmas cards. This was the first year that she didn't send one. I have attractions to other women since then, but the women have never realized my attraction. I feel like my experience with "L" is a once in a lifetime thing. Last year, my husband went out of town and I rented The L Word (show on HBO) DVDs. It's brought my lesbianism out that I've been tried to shove down. I'm depressed and I want the feel and touch of a woman. I know my kids are going to continue to grow and enter middle school. Soon, they will have lives of their own. My job will be done. Then, I will have to live with my husband alone. My husband LOVES me. I do not have a desire for him. I've been dishonest to him and am a huge sinner. He is a prominent businessman and I have to attend a lot of functions in town. I would be HUGELY embarrassed if he or my family or friends ever found out about the real me. THE INTERNET: MY NEW DRUG OF CHOICE In high school and college I loved the high I got from pot and I dabbled a little with rich friends who did cocaine. I don't do drugs any longer but I absolutely love the feeling of drinking alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic but when I drink socially, I haved learned when to stop before it gets too out of hand. I love being high from alcohol. Now, at night, I sneak around on the internet (my husband thinks I'm working) and try to understand my attraction to women. I love reading about other peoples experiences. I love reading about lesbianism. It is a mystery. SPECIAL ISN'T SO SPECIAL I teach special ed at a regular middle school. General ed teachers typically DO NOT UNDERSTAND students who are different. I teach kids who attend the regular school and support them in the classroom. I also teach kids with severe disabilities who do not attend the regular classroom. EITHER WAY, teachers are few and far between who understand their shortcomings. General ed teachers like to teach to those "who get it" and understand the material...it boosts the teacher's ego and it is less work for them. I understand the kids who don't get it and I know what it's like to feel different. They are truly special students and I love every one of them. They have a large struggle ahead of them and they are special people, but I know they don't feel like they are special because they aren't like the rest of the average student body. When you aren't the same, it can be a cruel world. THE FIGHT I am fighting who I am. I am worried about what others think. I am trying to do the right thing when it feels so wrong. I applaud those people who do what feels best for them. Maybe one day, I will have the same strength. For now, I will continue my cover up. I am sorry that I have done this to my husband and to myself. I am sorry that I have given up on being Catholic. I am so caught up in a web of lies.