Coming Out Age: 48

Story:

I have only recently got hooked up to the internet and last night, found your website.  
I have to say that it really is reassuring to read others stories and to realise that 
other women have just as much mental turmoil about it all.  All I can say is that it 
makes me very happy when I see people “Out and Proud” at a very young age.  Maybe the 
world is sliding along into some acceptance over time.  Somewhere in my reading last night – 
I read that many older women, by the time they get the confidence to make the leap, are 
already married.  Well I never married, but am just getting to grips with it all after 
finishing a 17 year relationship with a man.  

I was brought up in very male environment, with brothers to boot and given that I was 
cripplingly shy, I learnt how to flirt with / work my brothers mates etc early on as a way 
of coping with them.  Ever since then I think “the chase” has become just what I know.  
I knew what to do with blokes, what is expected and looking back I am now beginning to see 
that “catching” one, when I had such low self esteem for other reasons, is probably what 
made me buzz.  I went on to “Catch” more men than I care to remember, again in all likelihood 
tied up with my low self esteem.  I never felt used and abused as I often went into it with 
the approach that they were just mates who I slept with and I didn’t really expect much back.  
Pity I didn’t just keep them as mates.  I don’t recall any kind of lesbian feelings as a youngster, 
but anyway, in the small town I was brought up in, no one ever did that kind of thing.  
It would be the talk of the town.   However, I have come to realise in more recent times that the 
only time my body has ever actually kicked into action at the mere sight of someone, it has been with women.  

Many years ago, I had a friend who defined herself as “Bisexual”.  Whilst talking one time, 
she said that though people like to think that bisexual means rampant – will shag anything – 
in fact it often means the opposite – that in reality it means that you are interested in what 
is on the inside rather than the packaging, which particular bits someone has or doesn’t have.  
This really hit home.  I had been out with a disabled guy at one stage, who lied to me about what 
was wrong with him when I first met him in case I rejected him, telling me that it was a temporary condition.  
I’m not the sort to be that shallow however and knew that I liked him regardless of what bits he had / 
whether they worked etc and this seemed just the same.   From there, I knew that “in theory at least” I 
could have a relationship with a woman.   Around this time however I had my eyes on this bloke, who 
I had decided was the one for me.  We hooked up and I then doggerdly stuck with him despite all the warnings 
that I should be elsewhere.  I went off travelling and had a couple of “Near Misses” with lesbian women – 
“staying true to my love” – even though it now materialises that I was wasting my time. 

One of these women just wasn’t my type, the other – I still remember her name although it was 20 years ago – 
to me was the most beautiful woman in the world.  Me and the two blokes I was travelling with stayed where 
she lived and she offered me to bunk up with her, rather than sleeping on the floor.  Being the martyr that 
I was at the time, I declined the offer, being acutely conscious that the blokes would rib me mercilessly 
if I went – making suggestions as to what I might have got up to.   Do you know, at the time and for years 
afterwards I don’t think it even entered my mind that that might have been what was on the cards – 
I was just scared that people might have thought it had happened!!  Now I kick myself that I did not take up 
her offer.  Maybe the last 20 years would have been entirely different from what they have been.  
Since this time however, although I have dreamt of relationships with women, occasionally been turned on by 
someone who breezed past me etc and come to accept that desiring women was an integral part of me, I otherwise 
assumed that I had missed that boat as I (somewhat stupidly) persevered with my man.  

There followed years of struggle with partner who refused to sort his very damaged head out and then in 2006 
a diagnosis of breast cancer and soon after this, discovery that my partner had been having an affair and indeed 
that this was only the latest in a long line.  

The last two years have at times been very dark, whilst at other times I have laughed more that I have done 
in the years of being stuck as I was.   And then, in the midst of all the other battles; Mastectomy, Chemo, Hair Loss, 
supporting my child (The one good – nay fabulous thing about the relationship) through the loss of her father and 
various battles on returning to work - the realisation that now that I was single again – hell I might 
have to do something about my “other” side.  

Though I don’t give a monkeys what other people think and would tell them so if they chose to comment 
(that is the way I work) facing up to who I might really be can make me panic like crazy and although I have told 
a good number of my friends, most of them either don’t believe me - on the grounds that I was such a “slapper” 
growing up and have always been raucous and rude, or think that I am just “off men” as a result of my recently ended 
relationship – a phase they think will pass.  On the contrary – these feelings have been around for years, but it is 
only now that I am single again that I am starting to deal with them and to consider the possibilities.  In reality too – 
I have a lot on my plate at the moment, have always been a bit of a loner and feel that I have done relationships and 
don’t really want a new relationship with anyone - however what I am, is in the process of shifting from defining myself 
as a single straight woman to a single lesbian woman. (That’s it….the tears are now rolling down my cheeks).  It matters to 
me who I am, whether I am in a relationship or not. 

Thank you to all of you who have played out your thoughts on this website.  Your stories have helped me and I hope that 
mine may help others.  I hope your journeys all end happily.  For me, I don’t know what 2009 will bring.  Still only one tit, 
but I hope health, winning the odd battle, seeing my kid grow up grounded and strong and what else – who knows.  
What felt like being really important however was to bring in the new year with a new self definition.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL 
C